Waning Crescent in Cancer

“Your circumstance is in the plan, even if you don’t fully understand why…”

–Jussie Smollett, Good People

I did not know how to start this blog off today. It hits so close to my heart. But it has been on my heart for a couple days. God is guiding my thoughts so I have no other desire than to share what God has placed in my heart to share.

It is so easy to speak about staying high vibrational, speaking positivity into your life. See the blessing and lesson in every situation. It’s much easier in hindsight to see all of those things. What about when I’m in the mist of it? When I am deep into my depression and sadness? How do I see the light? How do I “see” the blessing when there seems to be so much struggle? How do I find my peace? How do I feel the love? Where is that light? It’s in me, I know this. It’s within me, I know but how do I find it? It’s within me but where? How will I get past this situation? I know it’s all temporary but how do I get though now, today, in the mist? I hear, pray. Just pray. So, I pray and I pray and I pray and I pray harder. I still feel sad. Stressed. Hopeless. Lonely. So how do I breakthrough when nothing I do seems to work?

I felt all of these things when my Aunt Kimberly passed away. I felt like I went to a trance. Nothing was real, I have to be dreaming. My heart was just ripped from my chest. How am supposed to get past that? How?!? My life has just been forever changed. FOREVER changed. For months I was numb. I could not connect with my emotions. I could not cry. I thought something was wrong with me. I couldn’t get past my guilt. My aunt passed away the day after Mother’s Day. I did not talk to her on Mother’s Day. I did not tell her I loved her. I did not tell her that day how much she meant to me. I did not tell her that she was like a mother to me. I did not tell her the impact she had on my life. I did not tell her that I was blessed to have her as an aunt and hope to be as great an Aunt to my nieces and nephew as she was to me. Now I couldn’t. She was gone and I was lost. I kept thinking, what if I had just called her like I thought to do. Why didn’t I call her? Couldn’t get past the guilt. I was lost. All the wrong people entering my life, fueling my depression, my guilt, my low thoughts of self. I was in and out of that space, that energy for years. I don’t even know if anyone knew or could see the pain I was in. I could smile through the pain. I learned a long time ago how to pretend very well, how to show happiness even though I’m suffering.

So, how did it change? I was going in and out that state of being for years. My aunt passed in 2011, it wasn’t until 2014 I felt a lift in my spirit. I would have really good days, weeks, and even months. But I would still get into those states where I would go into deep sadness. Somewhere in that time I decided I was going to get better. I decided I was going to allow myself my grief, whatever that looks like however long that takes. I decided I was not going to fit myself into someone else’s standard of what grief looks like and how long it should take. I decided to accept my guilt, my sadness, my loneliness and then… I forgave. I forgave myself for my guilt and I connected with the spirit of my aunt and told her all the things I thought I was no longer able to. I forgave myself for my actions and the things I allowed others to do to me while in the mist of my sadness and depression. I forgave myself for thinking I was lonely and undeserving of love. I forgave, I prayed, I started loving myself again. One minute at a time. I appreciated my sad days for the release they provided. I forgave myself again and again and again. I forgave others again and again and again. Then it happened. I felt the lift, I heard the chains begin to fall. It took patience with myself and forgiving of myself. I knew I would never get past my aunts passing but I knew I would get to the place of acceptance and love again. I also knew she would always be with me. Love never dies. It is continuous and forever flowing. I love my aunt and that love will forever be in me and so will she.

We are not always able to control the situations and circumstances we are faced with. Have patience with yourself and where you are this second, not the next second or minute before, but right now. “I feel sadness right now, but that is okay. I can feel sad now. I’m okay. I am not my sadness.” Sometime all you have to tell yourself is “I’m okay.” You are. Not you will be, but you ARE okay. You feel because you are human, you feel because you are connected to the Divine spirit within. You don’t have to find it, you don’t have to look for it, you don’t have to seek it out. It is always there giving you what you need. You are here because of that light within you. It’s the part of you that wants peace, that part that is urging you to pray, the voice you hear telling you, “you’re okay”. Listen and believe that you are and you will be. Healing is a process, be patient with your healing process.

–Love, Light and Healing,
Latavia